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'Popstars' recap - Episode 1 - Auditions |
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By STEPANIE McGRATH
AllPop
Here's how it starts: A very serious male voice-over tells us that this is the dream of thousands of girls, but only five will be picked, followed by the usual blah, blah, blah that seems to accompany all of these types of shows.
The "Popstars" logo pops unto the screen while neon silhouettes of women dance in front of a white background to a song that goes something like this: "bop bop bop do-ahhh".
Then there are brief interviews with the three judges:
Billie Holiday - a Kiss 92 D.J. and the nicest judge
Michael Geddes - president of Lone Eagle Entertainment, which will produce "Popstars". The most intimidating judge.
Brian Hetherman
- director of Universal Music and A & R
- not as intimidating as Michael, not as nice as Billie, has a knack for looking bored through a billion auditions. To be fair, though, who wouldn't be bored after hearing "Dancing Queen" 2000 times?
The scene:
The camera crew pans down a never-ending line-up of girls decked out in cowboy hats, tiny, pink T-shirts, pleather, insanely high heeled boots, jeans, skirts, tinted sunglasses with the '70s/'80s-style heart engraved on the lower lens, multi-coloured hair, lips, nails and a plethora of sparkles.
We are encouraged to assume that the scene was pretty interchangeable from city to city.
Various girls are interviewed and squeal about being nervous, wanting to be a star and being born to sing.
Interesting fact: there are way more attractive girls in Canada than you may have already suspected. They must keep to themselves in special, pretty-girl clubs and office environments, or something.
Interesting fact #2: despite AllPop's distinctly sarcastic tone, the show is already proving to be disturbingly addictive. It's also nice to note that it's slickly packaged, with none of the not-on-purpose shaky cam and seriously cheap sets that have plagued Canadian TV in the past (yes "Danger Bay" and "Degrassi High", I'm thinking about you).
Also, unlike "Making The Band," there is no sign of a Lou Pearlman character. YAY!
Now ... let the auditions begin!
We're treated to a few impressive singers (most of them decked out in their popstar finery, a.k.a. tight, flashy clothes) before the producers decide to provide some comic relief.
Before I start making fun of some of the auditioners let me say this - I auditioned too as a story for AllPop. I can't sing, and I made a complete fool of myself. But I did it as a joke and these girls are serious, even though some of them are UNBELIEVABLY BAD!
One girl wants to be Christina Aguilera so badly she might as well stir up some controversy with Eminem, peroxide her hair and dye the tips black or red or whatever colour the diva is sporting these days.
The auditioner is so terrible I've even blocked out what song she chose to perform, although it was either "Rhythm Divine", "Ooh It's Kinda Crazy" or "Dancing Queen". She obviously thinks she's hot stuff and tries to do the Celine/Christina warble on every syllable. The problem is, she is so out of tune my ears feel like they're starting to bleed.
Hilarious TV alert 1: final camera shot on atrocious girl as she finishes with a flourish of musical notes not found in this dimension.
Hilarious TV alert 2: During another poor performance, the judges actually have to turn their backs to the girl and cover their mouths as they laugh.
The show also includes some painful moments. One auditioner is a 19-year-old mother of two, we're told by the voice-over. She completely loses it and starts to cry so hard, she can't finish her audition. The judges classily allow her to go away and regain her composure until she's ready to return. She's not making any call-back lists, but at least she tried.
Another desperate pop-wannabe auditions in two different locations, and although the judges agree her second performance was great, she broke the rules and can't be called back. More tears.
Now we're back to the general auditions: good singer, good singer, bad, bad, bad, bad-times-infinity. Then, finally, the voice-over stops the madness:
"Once they were worried they weren't getting enough talent, now they're getting too much. That's a good problem to have."
Quick snippets of really pretty girls who can really sing, not-so-pretty girls who can sing, and plain girls who can really sing.
Now we're on to the first series of call-backs.
This time the girls have to face the judges one-on-one with a new song. Some will be told they could make it onto the next round, while others are flat-out denied.
The judges are excited because they were wowed by leopard-print-cowboy-hat-girl during the first series of auditions. The problem is that she forgets the words to her song this time around, but the judges confer and decide to give her one last chance.
A spunky pudgy girl makes the judges laugh and is asked back.
Hilarious TV alert 3: One girl is gently told she won't be coming back again and immediately launches into a spiel about how she thinks the judges are basing their decisions on looks. The judges assure her they aren't, and she stomps out. I hope that, in future episodes, there's more catty anger where that came from.
Preview of next week: The judges go through the audition tapes and try to narrow down 70 pop hopefuls to 25, who will then be flown into Toronto for the next round of auditions. Cameras lurk in the homes of the hopefuls as they await their fateful phone call. More tears, more jumps of joy.
Stars: 3 out of 5
High point: 3-way tie among scary Christina-wannabe girl, judges laughing, and the angry you're-going-only-on-looks girl.
Low point: too much set-up, not enough blow-up, but I'm hoping things heat up when the competition is narrowed down.
What are your thoughts on the show? E-mail us and we'll post your comments.
Popstars Home
The results so far
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