By STEPANIE McGRATH
AllPop

This week on 'Popstars'... the girls each get their very own Spice-type personality, as they do fascinating things like stare into fires and pretend to listen to headphones for their FIRST EVER MUSIC VIDEO. Woooowwwwweeeee, can you handle the fun?

The show opens with a montage of Sugar Jones singing their single "Days Like That".

Then the Narrator blabs for a while about last week before finally telling us that the single will "tonight be conceptualized, shot and ultimately premiered as their FIRST EVER MUSIC VIDEO".

Bop bop bop doaahhhhh

Before I continue, I'd like to warn everyone that our friendly old Narrator said the words "Sugar Jones", "Canada's latest all-girl super group", and "ultimately" about eight billion times during last night's show. I know he's always been a little crazy, but I think our Narrator is seriously going senile.

(P.S., I actually taped last night's show so I could rewind it if I missed an important line. Turns out that there aren't many important lines during "Popstars".)

Narrator: "The girls of Sugar Jones are learning fast that, once begun, the demands of potential pop stardom are constant and diverse".

Okay, hilarity alert: Right after that comment the girls are shown primping and being made beautiful for a photo. My ... how constant, how diverse.

Just when I thought the Narrator would force me to blow up my TV, "Popstars" restores my faith in reality programming. It's the return of Michael and the gang. YAY!

Allan and Michael are trying to decide what Sugar Jones' first single will be. Now call me crazy, but since the Narrator just told us they are going to shoot the video for "Days Like That", and since the song plays on the radio all the time, I'm going to guess Michael and his wacky bunch choose "Days Like That". Sorry to ruin the suspense for you.

Michael decides to explain to Allan why "Days Like That" should be the first single and what he says makes so little sense that I rewound his little spiel three times and I STILL ("ultimately", he he he) do not know what he was talking about:

"'Days' has an edge and is more defining. If you want to define with your lead ..."

And he goes on and on about leads defining the definition and the definers being leads and so on.

Allan has a more basic reason for being confident in "Days" as a single.

"Everyone in this company - they're humming it". That's nice, Allan. I bet some people hum the 'Jeopardy' theme song, too. Would you like to have soulDecision release that as a snazzy new single?

Narrator: "The many hours the girls have worked on 'Days' have ultimately paid off". (HAH, he used 'ultimately' again.)

Why have they paid off, you may ask? Well, it's because people at Universal are humming the single. And also because 'Days' defines the lead and leads the define.

Now, on to the good stuff: the making of the video.

A music-video director is tapped to shoot Sugar Jones' FIRST EVER MUSIC VIDEO. Now, this director is so hot that the Narrator tells us he's "One of the top music-video directors in the country", but I don't ever remember anyone mentioning his name. I guess really important people go nameless on "Popstars".

Now our brave director sits the girls down to explain his complex plan for the song.

He tells them that the whole video will be shot in one house.

"The house accommodates your personality - the subtext is that everyone watches the clock, 'cause 5 p.m. is practice time."

So lame. Can't even talk. Laughing too hard.

Right in the middle of the whole video extravaganza, the brilliant "Popstars" editors decide to cut away to a rehearsal for the girls' FIRST EVER LIVE PERFORMANCE. It's a really dumb scene and has nothing to do with the rest of this episode. Sugar Jones dances and bops around a bit while the crazy choreographers tell them that waving their hands up and down "looks hot". Whatever.

Now, back to the video:

Narrator: "For the girls of Sugar Jones, even a 6 a.m. call cannot diminish their enthusiasm".

Hilarity alert #2: Just as the Narrator is talking about "enthusiasm", the girls are shown sleepily stumbling out of their condo building and giving their driver a very unenthusiastic "hi". Wow, what spunk! And Narrator? If by enthusiasm you meant "zombie-like state", then yeah, you're right.

Now it's time to actually shoot the video. The video is shot in one location that's being called a Smart House. (No, I'm not going to make a joke about that. It's too easy).

Each of the girls gets a short solo scene in a different part of the house that supposedly reflects her personality.

The director tells Andrea that her scene is all about "the eyes". Andrea's role in the video consists of looking pretty and mouthing the words of "Days" as she gazes into a fireplace. Andrea's part is supposed to demonstrate her introspective and pensive personality, or something. She's "Thoughtful Jones".

Next up, Maiko. Maiko is shot lying on her stomach and writing in a notebook. Her role was inspired by "her reputation as the songwriter" of the group. Hmmmmm. Maybe she could be "Prolific Jones".

Victim number 3: Sahara. Sahara, who is probably a sweet girl, is now known in my house as the "Vain Jones". Sahara's scene is shot like a Danielle Steele TV movie of the week. She sits by a bathtub in a white robe, and a soft-focus lens makes her look like one of William Shatner's alien girlfriends from "Star Trek".

Okay, here comes the funniest line of the show:

Narrator: "As the group's most mature and independent member, Sahara's role subtly reflects her comfort with herself and her body".

I guess she must be really comfortable with her body, because she really isn't sitting very modestly between takes.

Backstreet Boys lover Mirella probably has the most challenging role. I also think that her particular scene is really flattering because of the wonderful things it says about her intelligence and her deep personality.

Narrator: "The group's youngest member is the most keenly interested in pop culture".

Apparently, Mirella is the group member "most keenly interested in pop culture". We know this from the video because her scene "revolves around listening to music and leafing through magazines".

HA - Mirella, I dub thee "Shallow Jones".

Finally, it's Julie's turn. Julie is my favourite Sugar Jones member. I wish I could have spiky hair like she has.

Julie gets the coolest scene in the video. If I was one of the other girls stuck with "staring into fire" or "looking at magazines," I would be so jealous right now. (Sahara's probably not jealous though. She probably thinks "Sitting seductively in bathrobe" is the scene to steal.)

Julie gets to wear a long leather coat and sweep out of a snazzy car and look all Carrie Anne Moss-y in "The Matrix". She's nifty. If they start selling Sugar Jones stickers, I want a Julie one.

The narrator tells us that Julie basically got the coolest part because she's the "most cosmopolitan Sugar Jones member".

I guess Julie is "Cosmopolitan Jones".

Finally, the girls record the one and only scene of the video which they're all in together. They kind of dance around and look tough.

Anyway, the end of the show is the final version of the video. It's basically all the scenes I've just described, set to "Days Like That". It's not bad, as far as videos go. A bit too hi-tech, though.

Next Week On Popstars: "The girls get their first taste of what's in store for them from the media and the public".

See you then.

What are your thoughts on the show? E-mail us and we'll post your comments.

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