By STEPHANIE McGRATH
AllPop

This week on "Popstars" ... after a million weeks of hyping Sugar Jones's performance, we finally see the footage; Allan looks like he's going to throw up; and the hoops of hell return.

The episode opens with the five girls practising "How Much Longer", which they will sing during their FIRST EVER LIVE PERFORMANCE. It's a cool song and one they play over and over and over and over and over again during this show. (Hmmm, the next single perhaps?)

During this opening shot, our friendly (i.e. super annoying) narrator bursts in to blab about how the countdown to the first live show is on, how there are only five days left, then two, then ... Ahhhh! The suspense!

Anyway, Haydain Neale of Jacksoul has been brought on board to prep the girls for their big stage show (a.k.a. a two-song set at a tiny club). He makes me laugh and ... hey... Julie is wearing that cool, green Charlie Brown shirt again. I wish I had that shirt.

Anyway, the Jacksoul guy is funny:

"They actually sound the way they sound on tape, which I didn't expect," he laughs. That was funny, trust me.

So the Narrator butts in again to say that Mr. Jacksoul is there to keep the girls "focused on feeling". (Narrator must have been at a sensitivity workshop in the wilderness last week or something. He's all about emotions this episode, and it's frightening me.)

Then Allan (you remember -- the goofy judge from Universal) pops on-screen for what will be the first of many bizarre spots during this show.

"You'll loosen up," he says to the girls as they practise. He's apparently trying to calm their fears about the live show. What's funny is that he looks so nervous I keep expecting him to pass out on camera or suddenly run out of the room screaming: "No, please, they're not ready! It's not my fault if they screw up! AHHHH!" But he doesn't.

[Note: Where the heck has cranky Brian been during this episode? Michael isn't in it much, either, and all Billie gets to do anymore is hug people without touching. It's so sad, the gang's breaking up. Remember when Michael's gang was all together and they spent their days listening to bad singers butcher "Mamma Mia" and trying to keep Lee from crying during boot camp? I miss those times. It's really sad, actually, and kind of like how in the movie "Stand By Me", River Phoenix, the chubby kid, the Corey, and the "Star Trek" boy were all friends and shared so much when they were young and then just ... grew apart and weren't really friends anymore. It's so emotional.]

Sorry, back on track. So the girls practise and practise, and Mr. Jacksoul tells them to feel the song and go over the top, and the narrator keep reminding us how important this show is.

Narrator: Even a small misstep tomorrow could prove disastrous.

Bop bop bop do ahhhhhh.

It's the day of the big show, people. Be very excited.

Narrator: By late morning, the girls of Sugar Jones are cautiously confident.

Each of the girls says a little something about how they're nervous but excited and so on.

Sugar Jones drives up to the show venue and the narrator tells us that "This Is London is an intimate, two-level night club".

Ooooh la la, what he doesn't tell you is that the night-club has very bossy bouncers. If you want to know more, read AllPop's review of the show right here.

Anyway, the girls run through some of their "choreography" for the show, which basically consists of waving their arms around and bouncing up and down on alternating feet. You know, junior-high dance style.

"If only we had another week," sighs Allan, who looks like he wants to throw up.

Then Michael gets to talk and says something about how the critics would like to see Sugar Jones "fall down". The girls do some vocal warm-ups, and the narrator reminds us that they're about to perform. Thanks, narrator. I wouldn't have guessed.

Bop bop bop do ahhhh.

Narrator: The atmosphere is electric.

Wow, Mr. Narrator, that's an original turn of phrase right there.

There are a few quick interviews with Sugar Jones's young fans, who've won contests to attend the event.

Fans: "They're awesome, they're so cool. They don't care about the fame, they just really want to sing".

Oh, here comes Billie, will she talk? No, not really. She hugs, and I think this time she may have actually touched someone. Maybe she attended the wilderness-sensitivity weekend with the narrator.

Allan and the choreographer furiously pin Julie into her shirt. Allan looks even more nervous.

Finally! The moment has arrived!

The girls take the stage. Their first song is "How Much Longer". (I'm pretty sure that's what it's called anyway.)

As I said before, it's a pretty nifty song.

Mirella is showing her belly-button. Man, just once I'd like to see zero belly-buttons during a pop show. Please.

Julie is still the coolest.

ARGHH! Sahara is wearing those huge, crazy, enormous hoop earrings from last week. My boyfriend screamed when he saw them and called them "hoops of hell" (and I laughed).

The girls launch into their swaying and synchronized arm movements, which I called "arms of cheese" (and he didn't laugh).

In the middle of the song, the girls get all funky and do some stiff-looking groove session.

"Yeah, take it to the break," my boyfriend screamed and then started laughing hysterically. (He is now cut off from "Popstars").

The song ends, and the girls say "Thank You" to the audience.

Bop bop bop do ahhhh.

Okay, you know that "Popstars" commercial where Sahara goes all crazy because she's pretending to be a diva who doesn't like the bottled water she's been offered? Well, that commercial is really driving me crazy.

Narrator: "By the time the girls of Sugar Jones launch into their first single, they can sense that special vibe ..."

Awwwww, Mr. Narrator has gone all warm and fuzzy on us.

The girls sing "Days Like That". The audience claps. (Actually, their two-song show was pretty good. I was impressed).

After the show, the girls run around and sign autographs and Billie hugs them again.

Oh, there's Allan. He's looks much better now.

Michael breaks out a bottle of champagne and says:

"To five strangers who've just come together and built some magic. Sugar Jones forever."

But it isn't Michael and the gang forever, is it, Michael. Is it!?

Next week: A day in the life of Sugar Jones. See you then.

What are your thoughts on the show? E-mail us and we'll post your comments.

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