Kickin' back with Prozzak

It certainly doesn't suck to be one of the hottest kid bands around

It definitely does not suck to be Prozzak.

 Since Sucks to Be You became the biggest pop hit in cartoon history, Simon and Milo have been living lives of luxury.

 On the eve of the group's Edmonton debut tonight at the Shaw Conference Centre, the brightly coloured and crudely drawn performers granted a rare interview aboard their $5 million gold-plated yacht, anchored off the coast of the Land of Vague European Accents. The diminutive, perpetually lovelorn Simon sounds vaguely British. He does most of the talking, while his heavily muscled partner Milo talks like Arnold Schwarzenegger.

 Security was tight as this reporter approached Prozzak's inner sanctum, an opulent suite filled with Jessica Rabbit-like babes catering to their every whim. I felt uncomfortable as the only human on board. A party was going on - as it always is around these stars - populated by various sycophants, hasbeens and hangers-on: the Tazmanian Devil (much calmer since rehab), Otto the bus driver from The Simpsons, members of Josie and the Pussycats, Betty from the Archies and even one or two of the cooler Pokemon.

 Yes, I'm making it all up, but so are they. Life for Simon and Milo is a fabulous fantasy of their own creation - or more accurately, the creation of Philosopher Kings members Jason Levine (Simon) and James McCollum (Milo). Their creations seem to have minds of their own. What follows is a surreal interview, the first that The Sun has done with actual cartoon characters.

 SUN: Is it true you're more than 300 years old?

 SIMON: "We're not actually 300 years old but we've been on the earth for about 326 years. We travelled through time, you see."

 SUN: Was it hard to make the adjustment to modern times?

 SIMON: "It's very confusing for me. You don't have to dress up to go on a date and you don't have to do a lot of stuff that you used to as a male to win over a female."

 MILO: "I miss the dueling."

 SUN: How did you come up with the idea for Sucks to Be You?

 SIMON: "We actually heard it on the east coast of Canada for the first time. This really annoying college girl said it to me. It was a cliche then, but we just made it a massive cliche."

 SUN: Tell us about the concert you're doing.

 MILO: "It's going to be great. We're rehearsing right now in a massive airport hangar."

 SIMON: "This show is going to make KISS look like James Taylor. Our creators will be dressed in these crazy suits that will control Milo and I instantly - hopefully."

 SUN: How do you feel about being so dependent on your creators?

 SIMON: "We're no different than you human beings, actually. We believe that there is a creator, just as you do. Ours is just more evident."

 MILO: "And there's two of them."

 SUN: What do you think of a band called the Philosopher Kings?

 MILO: "Never heard of them, but then I was never good at philosophy."

 SUN: Simon, you seem like you're depressed all the time. Why is that?

 SIMON: "I'm still depressed about certain aspects of life, but life is all right in a lot of other aspects. Of course I'm searching for love and I've yet to find it, but the search is getting more fun as I get more famous."

 SUN: With Sucks to be You getting airplay on MTV in the U.S., is there a possibility of other projects, a spot on The Simpsons, perhaps?

 SIMON: "That'd be great, actually. We went over for tea last week and we'd love to play on their show. We might have a TV series of our own in the U.S. Our creators are talking to a lot of people about that. Personally I don't want to do any acting. I'm a musician. But If I'm forced to be my creators, I guess I'll have to."

 At that point, a pair of goons that looked like cartoon versions of Marty McSorley signaled the interview was over and tossed me overboard. This is no place for humans.

 Tickets to Prozzak, with opening acts soulDecision and McMaster & James, are $25, and available at Ticketmaster (451-8000).