Tuesday, November 7, 2000
What we want, what we really, really want, is
Old Spice
and not this collection of bland nothings
By MIKE ROSS -- Edmonton Sun
In this space last week, I misidentified the Spice Girls as "Baby, Scary and the two Mels."
It turns out that one of the two Mels is Scary, as an astute reader named little Cindy Lou Who pointed out.
Oh my gosh, I'd left out Posh.
For the record, the Spice Girls are: Emma Bunton (Baby Spice), Victoria Beckham (Posh Spice), Melanie Brown (Scary Spice, also Mel B) and Melanie Chisholm (Sporty Spice, also Mel C). Missing in action is Geri Halliwell, or "Ginger Spice," who hasn't been seen since succumbing to mad cow disease last year. (Just kidding. She was kidnapped by aliens.)
I regret the error.
It's been a long time since I've had to keep track of which Spice is which. I used to know. I swear I did.
Even with one missing it seems to be more complicated than ever. The new album, Forever, certainly doesn't shed any light on their identity. In stores today, it's a polished, innocuous collection of sweet R&B nothings that sounds more like the white Destiny's Child Plus One than the Spice Girls I remember. Making matters worse, they've since dropped their spicy nicknames and do not wear name tags. They look different, too. More mature. Less cheeky. Sporty ... sorry, Mel C appears be blond now.
In the last three years, we've been assaulted by so many stories of Spice marriages, divorces, babies, lawsuits, breast implants, book deals and gay rumours that keeping the Facts of the Spice Girls straight has become a full-time job. Who has the time? I entered the words "Spice Girls" into the trusty Sun electronic news archive and got the error message: "Your search is too general." There are too many Spice Girls articles in the system.
We take you back to 1997, a millennium ago in terms of popular culture. What a crazy time it was. A young Ralph Klein vows to keep gas prices affordable, Gwyneth Paltrow dumps Brad Pitt, Mike Tyson makes a snack of someone's ear, a drunk driver kills a princess and everyone blames it on the media. But by the end of the year, it wasn't Elton John's morose reading of Candle in the Wind that stuck in the collective mind. It was the Spice Girls. We couldn't get enough of the Spice Girls.
I thought Wannabe was a catchy little ditty even before I knew who did it. Who could resist that snappy, happy piano riff under the words: "I'll tell you what I want, what I really, really want"? I had to know. What does she want? What does she really, really want? The answer came seconds later: "If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends." Yeah, baby, yeah. Break out the baby oil. Pun intended.
OK, so that's not what the song means. But talk about hit potential. If it wasn't for Wannabe, there wouldn't have been the 100 million albums sold (I'm a little foggy on this fact; check with Garth Brooks), the Spice Girls movie, the dolls, the merchandising. There would be no Forever. I wouldn't be writing this. We wouldn't be here. Imagine the grim alternate reality without "Girl Power," which these perky British lasses kept going on about. We already had plenty of Canadian girl power thanks to Shania Twain, Celine Dion and Sarah McLachlan's Lilith Fair, but gosh darn it, the Spice Girls were so cute and sassy and fun, everyone wanted some of that Girl Power. Would Celine Dion have dared pinch the royal buttocks of Prince Charles as Ginger did? I don't think so. After listening to Forever, I don't think the more serious and Ginger-less version of the new Spice Girls would, either.
It might as well be a different group - and they're about as spicy as a loaf of Wonder Bread.
Of course, I could be wrong.
WHO ARE THE SPICE GIRLS?
Was it Scary Spice who had the baby before the tell-all book or was it Baby Spice who married the soccer player after Sporty Spice's solo album but before the lawsuit over the scooter endorsement?
Pay attention. There will be a test.
EMMA BUNTON: Formerly Baby Spice, Bunton is the youngest Spice Girl at 24. Of all the Spice Girls, she is also the one with the lowest profile. By press time, she has not released a solo album, nor has she been involved in any juicy scandal. She said recently, however, that she might tour on her own.
MELANIE CHISHOLM: Mel C, or Sporty Spice, was the second Spice Girl in the group to go solo - but at least she stuck around. A fitness fanatic who grew up in Liverpool, the 26-year-old Spice is considered the best vocalist in the group. She released her solo debut CD, Northern Star, last year and has worked with Bryan Adams.
VICTORIA BECKHAM: They called her "posh," and she still is - as well as being the most literary of the Spice Girls. Beckham, 25, has inked a deal to publish her autobiography, which must be at least partly inspired by Andrew Morton's book Posh and Becks - a Marriage, dishing the dirt on Posh and her husband, soccer star David Beckham. They have one son, Brooklyn.
MELANIE BROWN: The black Spice Girl formerly known as "Scary" has had a rough time with fame. Only eight months after marrying dancer Jimmy Gulzar, the couple separated, sparking a custody battle for their baby daughter, Phoenix Chi. It has since been resolved with no details released. Brown, 25, told reporters that the breakup was so painful that it nearly killed her.
AllPop's 'Forever' review
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