Wait…Wait…Wait…Wait…SING!
Tales of a POPSTARS Audition
George Reinblatt
AllPop Reader
Any idiot can tell you that to be a success in the music industry you have to pay your dues. Of course, traditionally, "paying your dues," meant playing your music in dingy clubs across the country while you lived in the back of a van eating some form of peanut butter every single meal all in the hopes of one day landing a record deal. But times have changed.
This is 2002. And nowadays, all you have to do to pay your dues in the music biz is show up to a movie theatre and wait in line. And at the end of the line, you sing. And if they like you, you've got a record deal. And if they don't like you, they still might put you on TV. So there's no way to lose. Yes, as ridiculous as it sounds, this is how one pays their dues, if they are to become a Popstar.
If you don't remember, Popstars was the reality-based Global TV show last year that manufactured Canadian pop divas, Sugar Jones. Now the show is back. But this time they're out to make a boy/girl supergroup. No more gender barriers. Now us men can finally join the ladies in this humiliating cattle-call audition process. We too can have the chance to completely expose our personal lives as the subject of a reality TV show, all in the hopes of achieving the fame and fortune that comes with being a Canadian celebrity. This was something I just couldn't pass up.
No, I can't sing. I can't dance. I don't have the look of a teen icon. At 24 years old, I'm considered ancient in pop music terms. To be perfectly honest, I have none of the marketable qualities that anyone would be looking for in creating a new group. But that wasn't going to stop me. I was auditioning for Popstars 2.
It was September 18, 2001. A day I'd been waiting for for…days. At 7:30 am, I made my way to the doors of the Paramount movie theatre in downtown Toronto. The call was officially for 9:00am and I thought being and hour and a half early would make me one of the first in line. I was wrong. The line was huge already. Some had arrived at 10:30pm the night before. I've heard of people camping out to see a band, but to make the band? Ridiculous.
Estimates say about 1500 people were there in all and I was in the middle of the pack. I'd say about 752ish. If you thought the term "lined up around the block" was just an expression, it's not. The line literally took up an entire city block! It was bananas. I didn't think so many people had nothing better to do on a Tuesday.
The strangest thing about the other auditionees was the way they looked. I mean they looked….normal! Just a whole lot of regular folks in sweaters and blue jeans. Nothing I ever would have expected from a pop music audition. There were no crazy hairstyles. There were no wacky outfits. Nobody looked like B-4-4 or any other weirdo pop band.
Actually the crowd was nothing like B-4-4 for other reasons too. If you don't know, B-4-4 is the highly-tanned, mildly-successful pop band from Toronto made up of three nice young Jewish boys. But the brains behind Popstars 2 made sure that their band wouldn't be all-Jewish. How? By scheduling this audition on the first day of Jewish New Year when those of the faith were all in synagogue. Way to keep this open to all people Popstars! Keep up that segregation!
Anyways, back to my day. After waiting in line about an hour, a Production Assistant from Popstars came out with a bunch of application forms. He set up shop on the hood of a van (where most of my business deals are made) and gave out the forms. He was also checking IDs to be sure that everyone was between the ages of 18 and 25, because if Cher has taught us anything it's that nobody likes an aging Popstar.
After about two hours waiting outside I finally made it indoors. The first 500 people in line had already filled the theatre and were starting their auditions. The next 500 people (myself included) would have to wait in the hallway until they were completely done. But at least I was inside. There were still hundreds of people waiting on the street who wouldn't even be allowed indoors until we were done our auditions. It was going to be a long day for a lot of people.
Settling in for a long wait, most of the crowd who had been on their feet since early in the morning decided to take a seat on the floor of the hallway. I grabbed a seat myself. After over two hours of standing on the pavement, it was good to sit…even if it was on movie theatre-hallway carpet.
Of course this relaxed feeling would last for only about…four seconds! As soon as we hit the ground an evil Popstars Production Assistant ran up to us saying that sitting was a fire hazard, and that we'd have to stand…and be silent. And if we didn't stand, we'd be put at the back of the line outside the theatre.
And so we stood. Silent. And we stood for a long, long time. And when I say long, I mean it. Keep in mind; I'd been standing on the pavement for two hours before I even got inside. Now inside, I had to stand in complete silence. And I stood that way for another four hours! That's six hours of standing!!! Being silent! It felt more like a frat house initiation than an audition.
At 1:30pm, a PA came to talk to us again. To this point, every time a PA came to talk to us, it was normally to tell us to "stand", "be quiet" or to both "stand and be quiet". Strangely enough, this time he had something new to say. He told us that the judges and crew had left the building to go for their lunch break (groan). But since the first round of auditions were finished, for the next hour, we would be allowed to wait inside the theatre where there were…CHAIRS.
Again, it was 1:30pm. I had been there six hours by this point, standing the entire time. Some of the people around me had been there longer. And finally we were going to be allowed to sit. The crowd could barely contain themselves as we walked in the theatre.
While the crew ate lunch, we sat. 500 hopefuls alone in a movie theatre. And what do wanna-be Popstars do when left unsupervised? Sing of course.
Yes, right there in the movie theatre, there was a good old fashioned sing-a-long. It started by singing the assigned songs we'd have to sing later, but it didn't take long for the group to bust into "Sweet Caroline", "Lean on Me", "Summer Days", and the theme from "The Fresh Prince of Bel Air". After standing in silence for six hours, this just added to my nausea.
Luckily the fun and games would not last long. At 3:00pm, the sing-a-long abruptly stopped when the trio of judges came out to introduce themselves and get the audition started.
The way it worked was they put you in a group of five. The five people then sang one by one. There were no mics. There was no music. The only thing between the singer and the judges was a camera.
After the five people have sung, they put you in a type of waiting area that I thought was only reserved for figure skating. You sit there while the judges deliberate and then they tell you which of the five are getting a callback for the second round of auditions the next day. As fun as this sounds, it actually was pretty stressful.
There were about fifty people auditioning in front of me. All were decent, though hardly anyone hit me as the next Justin or Beyonce.
And the cutting process was pretty brutal. Of the fifty, I only saw about four people get a callback. It was going to be tougher than I thought to make it past the first round.
When my turn came up I knew I had to do something to stand out. Considering that everyone before me just stood still and nervously sang, I decided that the best way to be noticed was to add some movement to my performance. I was singing Britney Spears' "Sometimes". When the lyrics said, "run" I ran. When the lyrics said, "hide", I hid. When the lyrics said, "scared", I looked scared.
Was it a risk? Sure. Did I look stupid? Probably. But I wanted to stand out from the pack. And stand out I did. I was going to be a Popstar and nothing could stop me…
Well one thing could stop me.
About thirty seconds in, Justin Grey the producer of Sugar Jones' last record, and the most robust of the three judges felt he had seen enough of my shenanigans. Instead of just telling me to stop like he did for the others, he leaped out of his chair and jumped on me, putting me in a bear hug.
The crowd was going nuts. The cameramen were laughing. The other judges were rolling their eyes. The sanity and order one normally associates with a Popstars audition went completely out the window. And all because I decided to add a dance number to my act.
When things calmed down, they sat me down in the waiting area. As disastrous as my audition was, in my mind, I thought I still had a chance. While the judges deliberated I was hoping they would see me as a sort of Erkel-esque comedic character. A foil if you will to the other super-serious pop-types trying out for the group. With me in the mix, they were bound to produce some great TV and have a bunch of laughs along the way. I was hoping they would see things the same way.
But alas, when the judge came over to tell me the verdict, I learned that Popstars does not want such a character on their show. Apparently their idea of "interesting television" didn't include the likes of me at all.
I did not make the band.
I left that movie theatre a dejected man. I looked at my watch. It had been eight hours since I joined the line. Eight hours! It took me that long to fail at my task. I didn't make the group. I didn't even make it as a featured player on a reality TV show….and a Canadian reality TV show to boot. It was pretty sad.
Fast forward to a few months later. I learn that Global is focusing their ad campaign for "Popstars" on one person and one person only....me! The commercial propping up the first episode is a montage of people crying and stuff with heavy coverage of yours truly. So I'm not good enough for their band, but I'm good enough for prime commercial time during the Grammys?
And in a way only TV editors can, they twisted what I was saying to make me look bisexual.
After my performance in which the judge jumped on me for a bear hug, they interviewed me. I said, "I'm heterosexual, but I don't know if I come across that way...when 300 pound men are jumping on me". Of course in the commercial, they only left in the "I'm heterosexual but I don't know if I come across that way" bit.
And do they show footage of me singing? No! They only show an out of context bear hug from the judge.
As if I don't have enough problems with the ladies as is -- they make it look like
I'm coming out of the closet on National TV.
Damn you Popstars! You made a fool out of me.
But hey, at least I got on TV.
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