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Dear Amy Heckerling:

The movie-going public misses Jeff Spicoli and Stacy Hamilton. They miss Cher Horowitz and Dionne and the larger-than-life mock-ups of teen angst and humour that made "Clueless" and "Fast Times At Ridgemont High" such satisfying teen flicks, they compare to "The Breakfast Club" and "Pretty In Pink".

Imagine their excitement upon learning you were making another foray into the teen film genre that lately has been saturated with Freddie Prinze, Jr.

"Loser" starring Jason Biggs and Mena Suvari, had the potential to take a fresh, funny, touching look at university life and love. What a shame, then, Ms. Heckerling, that you let us down.

"Loser" is about as in touch with today's university students as "Leave it To Beaver" is.

Where did you lose your way?

Sincerely,

A disappointed fan.
"Loser" begins well. Dan Aykroyd, in a cameo as Jason Biggs' hick father, is cute and genuinely funny as he gives his son a few parting words of wisdom. Then Biggs, sporting an ear-flapped hat, makes his way to New York, the big city, the first of his family to attend university -- and the film's potential basically dive-bombs from that point on.

First, though, there is a hilariously original scene in which Jason (as "Paul") finds himself on the subway, and offers an older woman his seat which, to Paul's dismay, is quickly snatched up by a man. Wow, a small-town boy gets confused by the subway system and the rudeness of New Yorkers -- great script.

So small-town geeky boy makes his way to university to discover to his shock and horror -- he doesn't fit in! His three roommates sport nail polish, designer duds, go to tanning salons and slip date-rape drugs to attractive girls. Paul likes to study because he's on a scholarship and he doesn't know what the term "six-pack" refers to so he's out of luck in the social-life department.

Then Paul meets "Goth", Everclear-obsessed Dora (Mena Suvari), whose personality consists of beeping and giggling like a twenty-something Teletubbie. She's having a relationship with a mean professor (Greg Kinnear) and is having trouble making ends meet.

The two become good friends through a series of music montages. Paul has feelings for Dora but a couple of stupid obstacles (see date-rape drug, mean professor boyfriend references) stand in the way of true love.

Chucked into the middle of the film, in a desperate attempt to create charming filler, are a couple of kittens, a cute dog, several scenes of Paul looking goofy and out-of-place, and a David Spade cameo.

The movie eventually ends exactly the way you'd expect it to.

There was nothing realistic about "Fast Times" or "Clueless". No one is as wealthy, kind and shallow as Cher (Alicia Silverstone) in "Clueless". No one says "dude" as many times as Spicoli (Sean Penn) did in "Fast Times". But those movies had a spark of believability and a hint of something original. Heckerling seemed in tune with a generation that could (and would) enthusiastically adopt the term "As if!" into its vocabulary.

After seeing "Loser", one wonders if Heckerling has been a cast member of "Survivor" and therefore completely out of touch with real life.

To begin with, Everclear? Since when are university students obsessed with this second-rate band. And where did the wardrobe people come up with Mena's clothes? Clunky boots, hole-ridden sweaters, heavy eye-liner. Here's an idea, why didn't they set the film in 1993 when the grunge look was popular, throw in a couple Kurt Cobain and Eddie Vedder references, and then maybe Mena's character would be believable.

As if an outdated music-genre clichE wasn't bad enough, "Loser" tosses in a professor/student relationship.

Just in case the audience might not get the idea that this unequal relationship is unhealthy for Dora, the script calls for Kinnear to be more obnoxious than is humanly possible. Some of his stunts include failing to pick Dora up at the hospital, seeing a 17-year-old girl behind her back, and ordering her to keep quiet and mend his clothes. Young female students may often be impressionable, but not stupid.

Then there's Paul. People in small-town Newfoundland know what a "six-pack" means, can deal with subway systems and DON'T as a common practice, wear "Fargo"-inspired head gear when trying to pick up women, so I think Paul could tone down the geek bit.

If you put aside the "romantic" music montages, Paul's goofy bits and his evil roommates' antics, "Loser" is left with a threadbare plot, zero chemistry and awkward dialogue. There's nothing original or remotely funny about the film or its characters.

"Loser" is insulting to the teens it hopes to target through its sheer stupidity and its complete failure to connect with any clothing, language or musical trends of this millennium. Avoid it like the plague and pray that Amy Heckerling leaves the "Survivor" island soon.

Loser lives up to its name